To Dave - “Artists are Assholes”

Have you ever thrown something away that was worth tens of thousands? I have, even though I didn’t realize it at the time.

It was a simple pen and ink watercolor hastily drawn on notebook paper by a then up and coming artist who’d go on to both notoriety and fortune as well as becoming one of the more prominent figures on the modern art landscape.

Am I exaggerating? Possibly. Honestly a dollar amount would be difficult to determine, at the time it may not have been worth much of anything (this happened around 2007ish). But to put it in context, this particular artist doesn’t do commissions or sell his work anymore. He mostly does work for free, with children, or for charities. Recently, for the first time in a long time, he auctioned off a simple watercolor of Batman on Ebay for charity; it sold for $38,000. The watercolor I received from him personally he sent me in 2002 before he was really famous or before he made his millions in Facebook stocks for painting murals in their offices (Facebook launched in 2004).

It’s pretty easy to figure out who I’m talking about here, there’s enough to go off of so I won’t spell it out for you. He’s someone I always admired in so many ways, from the first time I saw his work as a teen. But in trying to reach out to him I got my first real disappointment from the art world, and felt somewhat hexed because of it for years to follow as I watched his career grow and grow. Still I can’t take away from his artistry, the man is a true artist in every sense. But when you’re a kid feeling alienated, lost, alone, confused, and outcast trying to connect and find expression, and get your hopes dashed apart by someone you admire, it can leave you feeling raw and stain you for years to follow. Think that’s sort of what happened to me. It’s not to say I blame him for anything that did or didn’t happen to me, we all forge our own paths, it’s just something that left a sour impression on me as a youth that I tried to brush off but stuck with me a lot longer than I expected it would. It’s also why I try and show as much kindness and support to people at whatever they aspire to at any stage, you never know what will stick to a person and a kind word can go a long way.

To be completely honest, I’d grown tired of telling this story over the years, and now that it’s basically written down, I hope to never have to tell it again. The following message I sent to Dave is a follow up to a letter I wrote 19 years ago. :

To Dave 

“As I stand here with your pathetic bich ass whimpering, when you forget, I was still gonna remember. All this blood, all these years gone by, I don’t give a fuc, I don’t even care…”

Words you wrote to me over a watercolor of a monkey pissing blood. I was 16. 

2002 I found a copy of bruised fruit at a tower records in San Diego and it was like nothing I’d ever seen. I was instantly drawn in, the stories, the illustrations, everything. It showed me this whole other side of art and expression that captured a lot of the chaos and confusion that I’d felt in my own way as a teenager. On the back was your P.O. Box in San Jose, so I wrote to you. 

I can’t remember what I wrote or what I said about myself exactly, only that I was somewhat of an “aspiring artist” and that friends and I were trying to put together some small town zine and if you’d be interested in being an actual artist I could feature in the first issue. 

Some weeks past and I can remember how excited I was to receive a manila envelope from you with a Munko whale on it. I couldn’t believe it. Only when I looked at what you sent and what you wrote I was disheartened. On the one hand I was thrilled, it was still incredible to me that you took the time to respond at all and send me anything. But it was still backhanded and it made me feel stupid for even reaching out at all. 

I still showed off the piece to my friends and I was still a fan regardless. But it left on me this impression that artists are ass holes and that having “heroes” or “idols” is a dumb and misplaced notion. Their just people and people can let you down. Separate the art from the artist.  

I kept that drawing for years, tucked away through moves, pulling it out every now and again. I went on to try and play music, find my expression through various avenues like screen printing, etc., but mostly to frustration and abandon. 

I still followed your career as you went on to do things for Vice and all the while I’d still tell people about how amazing you were. One day I pulled out that drawing and read it again and I felt as dumb as the day I got it. I cut out the words you wrote and just kept the drawing. Sometime later, maybe years, I was looking at it but still couldn’t forget those words and I crumpled it up and through it away. 

Think I left that behind me as a buried memory through various stages of adulthood. But all the while I’d see your career move forward in juxtapoz or whatever else that came out and still I was a fan, your art is truly transcendent and I could never deny that. 

I used to have jpeg images of your letter saved but I can’t find it anymore but it doesn’t matter. Times I still tell people about you and the story of when you sent me that watercolor whenever something you were doing was coming out but then I’ll remember how shitty it’d made me feel, maybe even felt angry at your success for bagging on me in a way that probably hit home, the way I felt about myself, a pathetic bitch ass. Thought I was over that but in truth, it still kind of hurts, crazy how long that’s stuck with me. Not even sure the point in saying this now, cause I truly do not want anything from you, nothing. I also realize your new show just came out (I’ll watch it eventually) and I don’t want to be the one to rain on your parade. But I guess this was something I always wanted to get off my chest and honestly I’ve tried several times over the years trying to find the words to say to you but couldn’t, so I never said anything. 

Now I’ve reached a point it truly doesn’t matter. It’s still incredible to me how transformative your life has been, how inspiring you are, how fantastic an artist and person you are, and though you didn’t ask or didn’t know, I’d forgiven you. I don’t think you meant to leave that kind of impression on a fledgling kid, or that something like that would linger on to a person for years, but that’s just people. We say and do things without rhyme or reason bumping in to one another ceaselessly as we traverse through the various and strange pitfalls that life throws our way, and now knowing a bit more of your story it’s evident that hurt people, hurt people. You were dealing with your own internal struggles as I was dealing with mine, and it’s all right. Even Jesus said “forgive them for they know not what they do” as a critique on humanity, and he was right. You’re a human being, as flawed and as wonderful as the next, and so am I. Even if you read this or not, thank you for everything, even the small impact you had on me personally. Thanks for letting my pathetic bitch ass whimper one more time (it’s cool, I can laugh about it now). 

Love you Dave. 

-Victor

(seen 6-26-21, no response)

If I ever did find that JPEG, maybe I’ll make an NFT out of it…hmm