Flowstate

It is funny, getting back into a rhythm. With the guys, closing out another job, routine, business as usual, talking shit, cracking jokes, it starts to feel normal, almost freeing. We’re all in need of purpose, and in time our sense of purpose gets replaced. You get lulled and dulled into the soft routines, the familiar faces, the alternate places that work in construction brings, starts to even feel like you belong, you’re a part of something. Still one thing that’s made abundantly clear in our industry is that we’re all replaceable, projects get built, with or without you. We’re just made to feel if not us, somebody else, so consider yourself lucky it’s you and not them. Still something inside nagging at the end of the day asking me am I doing all I’m supposed to be doing? Is there not something else I ought to be putting my energy into? I know that I can do this, fuck I’ve done this for 11 years now, topped out the position I want to be in and aiming for none higher, so what else is there? The only way to know that is to give this up someday, and figure out for certain if there isn’t anywhere else I belong, even if that pursuit takes the rest of my lifetime to figure out.
It seems to me the most dangerous thing to do in society is to ask these questions, to question yourself the choices you’ve made. Ultimately you ask why even question? Why fuck up a good thing? Why not just go with the flow? Why go into the unknown when you can have the rest of your days mapped out, get that 40 year pin and retire to your small piece of the pie? Isn’t that enough? I guess it all comes down to satisfaction, are you not satisfied? And for me, as honorable as building things is for others to use is, and even for what we get paid to do which is good money, I can’t whole heartedly say that this line was meant for me and will bring me that sort of life’s satisfaction. So yes, it is dangerous to ask questions, to which there may be no answer, but I have to know, and at some point I’ll have to go.